What I’ve Learned About Temper Tantrums
Tantrums Used to Break Me
I still remember how shaken I used to feel by tantrums in the early days of parenting. When my toddler would melt down, it felt like my entire world spun out. Honestly, tantrums were the most stressful part of my day. They made me feel helpless, overwhelmed, and ashamed of my own reactions.
But over time—through many failed attempts, prayers, and tearful moments—God began to teach me a better way. And while tantrums still occasionally happen in our house, they no longer intimidate me the way they once did.
If you’re in the thick of toddlerhood and wondering how to survive the emotional storms, I’d love to share some of what I’ve learned.
1. Our Emotions Matter Too
The hardest part of tantrums isn’t always the child—it’s how we feel in the moment.
I remember feeling so many things at once: frustration, overstimulation, fear, worry, anger, even a sense of being trapped. Then came the guilt for feeling all of those things… and before I knew it, I was spiraling right along with my child.
Sometimes, I’d even throw a tantrum of my own—snapping or yelling, just desperate for it all to stop.
But Proverbs 15:1 reminds us,
“A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”
Our children often mirror our emotional state. And what I’ve learned is that it actually is possible to respond calmly—even when everything in you wants to explode. But not in our own strength. We respond calmly when we remember:
We are not helpless.
We are not alone.
God is present, and He can give us exactly what we need in the moment.
That’s where prayer comes in—not just a quick prayer before the day starts, but a whispered “Lord, help me handle this” right in the middle of the chaos.
2. Tantrums Can Actually Be a Good Sign
It sounds backwards, but if your child is throwing tantrums, it probably means you’re doing something right.
Tantrums often come when we:
Set limits
Say no
Don’t give them what they want
And that’s actually a healthy part of parenting. If there are never any tantrums, it could mean we’re avoiding boundaries to keep the peace.
But true love—the kind that trains our children and helps them grow—requires us to say “no” when needed. Even when it leads to loud protests.
We don’t want to shy away from discipline or clear boundaries just to avoid a meltdown.
3. they Can’t hear you in the Middle of a Tantrum
One of the biggest mistakes I made early on was trying to talk with my child during a tantrum. I’d ask them to use their words, to talk about their feelings or try to reason with them.
But the truth is, when a child is in full-blown meltdown mode, they aren’t in a state to listen or learn. Trying to talk in the middle of a tantrum is like trying to water a plant during a windstorm. Nothing is going to stick.
That’s why I now wait until the emotions have settled. Then we talk about what happened and how they can respond better next time.
4. Offer Connection—But Know When to Step Back
Sometimes, what a child really needs during a tantrum is physical closeness. You can try:
Sitting quietly near them
Rubbing their back
Offering to hold them
For some children, this helps them calm down.
But other times, especially if they’re yelling, hitting, kicking, biting, or thrashing, being close actually escalates things. In those moments, it’s okay—good, even—to give them space.
It’s not rejection. It’s teaching them that it’s not ok to hurt others, even when we’re angry. And that starts with not allowing them to hurt you.
5. Space to Calm Down Is Biblical
Psalm 4:4 says,
“Tremble [with anger or fear], and do not sin; Meditate in your heart upon your bed and be still [reflect on your sin and repent of your rebellion].”
There’s a biblical principle here—when we’re overwhelmed with emotion, it's good to step away, be still, and reflect.
We can teach our children this from a young age.
When they’re angry or out of control, we can guide them toward a calm place—not as a punishment, but as a practice of emotional regulation. In our home, this looks like going to their bed or crib until they’re calm.
Sometimes it takes 5 minutes. Sometimes it takes 20.
We might have to help them get there and stay there. The common advice of “one minute per year of age” often isn’t enough when they’re deeply upset. They need time to let the storm pass.
After they’ve calmed down:
We talk about what happened.
We help them name what they were feeling.
We walk them through how they could respond differently next time.
If you do this consistently, tantrums will often become:
Less frequent
Less intense
Shorter in duration
Why? Because they learn that tantrums don’t get them what they want. They just lead to quiet space, which isn’t nearly as exciting as the reaction they were hoping for.
6. Don’t Let One Child Hijack the Atmosphere
This one is especially important in a house with siblings.
It’s okay—and good—to lovingly tell your child, “Your screaming hurts my ears.”
A tantrum doesn’t just affect the child. It overstimulates everyone in the room, including you. It’s not healthy for siblings or parents to be held hostage by the loudest person in the family.
We can gently but firmly teach that while all feelings are allowed, not all behaviors are. And part of growing up is learning to express big emotions in appropriate ways.
Closing Thoughts
If tantrums feel like the hardest part of your day right now, you’re not alone. I’ve been there. I still have those days.
But there is hope—and there is wisdom available to you from the One who never loses His patience.
Ask Him to fill you with His Spirit, moment by moment, meltdown by meltdown. He is faithful to equip us with what we need to shepherd our children through every emotion.
And you don’t have to do it perfectly. Just prayerfully.